Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

SantaClausConquerstheMartians

Whoa, where to start with this one…

The story involves the people of Mars, including Momar (“Mom Martian”) and Kimar (“King Martian”). They’re worried that their children Girmar (“Girl Martian”) and Bomar (“Boy Martian”) are watching too much Earth television, most notably station KID-TV’s interview with Santa Claus in his workshop at the North Pole. Consulting the ancient 800-year-old Martian sage Chochem, they are advised that the children of Mars are growing distracted due to the society’s overly rigid structure; from infancy, all their education is fed into their brains through machines and they are not allowed individuality or freedom of thought.

Chochem notes that he had seen this coming “for centuries”, and says the only way to help the children is to allow them their freedom and be allowed to have fun. To do this, they need a Santa Claus figure, like on Earth. Leaving the Chochem’s cave, the Martian leaders decide to abduct Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to Mars. As the Martians could not distinguish between all the fake Santas, they kidnapped two children to find the real one. Once this is accomplished, one Martian, Voldar, who strongly disagrees with the idea, repeatedly tries to kill Santa Claus along with the two kidnapped Earth children. He believes that Santa is corrupting the children of Mars and turning them away from the race’s original glory.

When they arrive on Mars, Santa and the children build a factory to make toys for the children. However, Voldar and his assistants, Stobo and Shim, sabotage the factory and change the programming so that it makes the toys incorrectly. Meanwhile, Dropo, Kimar’s assistant, has taken a great liking to Santa Claus and Christmas, puts on one of Santa’s spare suits and starts acting like Santa Claus. He goes to the toy factory to make toys, but Voldar mistakes him for Santa and kidnaps him.

When Santa and the children come back to the factory to make more toys, they discover the machines have been tampered with. Voldar and Stobo come back to the factory to make a deal with Kimar, but when they see the real Santa Claus they realize that their plan has been foiled. Dropo, held hostage in a cave, tricks his guard Shim and escapes. Kimar then arrests Voldar, Stobo and Shim. Santa notices Dropo acts like him, and says that Dropo would make a good Martian Santa. Kimar agrees to let Dropo be the Martian Santa Claus and sends Santa and the children back to Earth.

(Description yoinked from Wikipedia)

First I have to tell you, when I first saw this I was horribly disappointed, with the title alone I had visions of a jolly fat man with Schwarzenegger’s arms, firing off some form of automated pistol with candy canes for ammunition, but alas I was wrong.
Instead we have the typical “Santa wins over..” heartwarming sort of thing that gets churned out this time of year, however instead of being a mega-corporation or rogue elf or a bad parental figure who gets won over, it’s the Martian race.
Now Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a bad film, even by the standards of 1960’s B-movies it is a bad film, in fact it really is laughable in nearly every respect, but like Manos Hands of Fate it is one of those films you can just grab a bunch of friends, a bunch of drinks and laugh through out the entire thing.
It’s also public domain, so you’re going to go and watch it.
To facilitate this, here is a link for you.
Archive.org

My advice, be about half way through your second drink when you start watching, you want to be feeling festively jolly, then it’ll all click into place.

Silent

I am Silent, part time programmer and full time narcissist, gamer, geek and man on a mission.

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