Spiders 3D (2013)

I saw this on Netflix at barely over a single star and I thought “oh god, I’ve got to see this…” and you know what? You get films that are so bad they’re good, they revel in the depths of their badness like a… Thing that really likes being bad.
This is not one of those films.

We open on a Russian space station, infested with spiders and dead bodies, space debris hits the station and it breaks up with a spider infested portion falling down to earth.
Fast forward and we’ve got spiders that grow six inches in an hour, can kill in a single bite and can reproduce a hundred times for every human killed.
Add family drama, an obviously at fault military industrial complex and a crazy scientist and you have… Pretty much every monster movie ever made, ever.

Now you know that I love bad films, I have a weakness for films that don’t take themselves seriously and live in their own badness, but I usually require a redeeming feature of my films, something that elevates that film out of being just… Well shit..
Through out the entire film I found nothing to redeem this.
Bad CGI, disturbing levels of acting, generic plot, Spiders just isn’t worth watching, everything about it just screams subpar.

Do you know how you get film monsters that you just want to see more of, monsters that lurk in the shadows and just strike terror into a viewer?
Spiders does not have this, from the moment we see giant Spiders everything just seems funny, the Spiders are just not scary, even going so far as to look stupid.

I can not suggest that anyone watch this, unless like myself you’ve got bad film masochism.
I have heard people describe films as being painful to watch and I’ve never understood that, even with how truly well below average Spiders is, you can still sit through the entire thing, you’re just going to think to yourself “Oh god, what have I done with my life…” if you try.

Silent

I am Silent, part time programmer and full time narcissist, gamer, geek and man on a mission.

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